


Yellow Pills

by murphyindistress



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Cats, Character Death, Definitely Weird Stuff, M/M, Prescription Drugs, Scary Stuff?, Suicide mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-10-01 22:24:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20424590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murphyindistress/pseuds/murphyindistress
Summary: a sad anxious man vs. the world of terror and repressed memories. spoilers: he'll be alright. probably.





	Yellow Pills

Tobi lived in a town that never closed its eyes, but was desperate to get enough sleep. Tobi was a perfect fit for this place – he was just the same. Always sleepy, but always in a rush. He never liked it, though, and occasionally tried to get into at least a semi-healthy sleep schedule, unlike his never-sleeping town. In fact, at this very moment he was getting ready to go to bed.

Tobi quietly places his glasses on the nightstand and reaches for a small orange bottle of pills waiting for him on a pile of books. He has put it there, so he won’t forget, and this tower wasn’t easy to miss. He drops one onto his palm. This tiny, no bigger than a pinhead, bright-yellow pill was supposed to send him to sleep in fifteen minutes, sparing him from counting sheep and drowning in memories and thoughts until the sunrise. He throws it into his mouth and swallows. Despite its size, it leaves nauseatingly bitter aftertaste. Tobi flinches from the feeling, picking up his backpack from the floor to get out a bottle of water. He takes a big sip, puts the bottle aside, and lies down on the bed. He reaches for the lamp’s pull chain and turns off the light.

The room sinks into darkness disturbed only by the colourful street lights piercing the air through the window above Tobi’s bed. He forgot to draw the curtains, and now he can’t find any strength to sit up and do it, so he just turns over and wraps himself in a blanket. 

The air is hot and heavy, and feels almost like some viscous liquid. Tobi’s chest is getting heavier and heavier, and his breathing – slower with every breath. Among hundreds of thoughts flying unnoticed through his mind, he catches one: he imagines himself drowning, but doing nothing to save his life. He gives up.

The night sky is dark-gray from heavy clouds. It is drizzling a bit. Tobi is walking down a busy street, awkwardly bumping into strangers who seem to be going in all possible directions at the same time. His body, especially arms, is shaking as if he is freezing.  _ But it is mid-July _ , he thinks,  _ the heat doesn’t go away even at night _ . Tobi zips up the jacket and buries his hands in the pockets. 

Tobi looks around and feels something tighten inside his chest. His legs stiffen and he stops right in the center of the bustling flow of people: he doesn’t recognize the street. He pats his pants’ pockets searching for the phone but doesn’t find it.  _ How could I forget it? _

He looks around again, avoiding making eye contact with people passing by, psyching himself up to ask someone where the nearest underground station is. It has never been something he was comfortable doing, and that’s the reason he’s always had his phone with him. 

Anxiety starts to kick in and now his heart is racing and his palms are getting sweaty.  _ This is so dumb, stop freaking out! _ He closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath, wishing the world would stop for one damn second. 

“Excuse me,” Tobi taps the shoulder of the first person walking by. “Could you please…” Tobi stops mid-sentence. The person stops and turns their head, exposing a white mask without any holes for eyes or mouth, and with a cartoonish, long nose. They don’t react on Tobi’s words in any way and just freeze on a spot, like a mannequin. Tobi steps back in horror. The person stays still for another second and then walks away.

_ What on earth was that? _ He can’t properly process what he just saw. His heart is beating so fast and  _ loud _ that it sounds like it isn’t coming from within – the sound is almost like a parade rataplan from a mile away. Hesitantly, with his legs still feeling wooden, Tobi makes few steps in the direction opposite to where the person in a mask went; then few more, faster and faster until he starts running, suddenly feeling like he is being chased. He  _ has _ to get out of this stream of people as fast as he can. But no matter how much he tries to force his way through them, the crowd feels endless. He is drowning, suffocating; and there is nothing he can do but to keep pushing forward. And then, he trips. The next moment he finds himself on the road with dazzling headlights right in front of his face. He reflexively shuts his eyes and covers his head with his arms. There is a loud crashing sound; something hits him in the middle of the chest, and everything disappears. 

He is lying in his bed in cold sweat, gasping for air, eyes open wide staring in the darkness of the room. His cat is sitting on his chest, looking at him curiously. He hears sirens going off on the road outside, as if some kind of accident actually did happen. Only he wasn’t a part of it. He doesn’t bother to look out the window to check what is going on; he kicks the cat away and rolls over on his side. He grabs the phone from the nightstand, and looks at the screen, dimly-lit, but still too bright for his eyes. The time is 3:42 am.

For a second he thinks of writing down his dream but the tiredness takes control and decides that there’s no need.  _ If it’s that important, I’ll remember it anyway _ , he thinks, already knowing that it never works; neither for him, nor for anyone else. He closes his eyes again and tries to imagine the dream from start to finish in an attempt to give it an explanation so his anxious side doesn’t do it first. But before he can think of a logical reason falls asleep again.

When he wakes up, it’s already past midday: he probably turned off the alarm in his sleep, as he does quite often. The sun shines brightly through the window, making the mess of a bedroom Tobi has seem almost acceptable. 

He sits up and rubs his eyes, making weird lights and shapes appear on the inside of his eyelids. His head is splitting up with migraine. He hears his cat meowing at something in the kitchen, probably furious at the absence of food, and forces himself to get out of bed. The floor is cold, and it’s a surprising and more than unpleasant feeling considering the overall heat. Tobi grabs the blanket from the bed and puts it on like a cape to stop the chills running down his spine. He can barely breathe through the nose. Yesterday he was just fine, but now he feels like he has the flu for at least a week. He decides to feed the cat, make himself a cup of tea, and then return to bed. 

He puts the kettle on and opens the fridge to grab a pack of cat food. All his movements are automatic; morning has always been the time when he feels most like a puppet. Make tea, feed the cat, eat, have a shower, go to work or work from home depended on the day – it is pretty much the routine Tobi has been following for the past year. And when something disrupts this regular order of things, Tobi isn’t the type to remain calm.

“Hi there, you fuzzy ball of chaos, are you hungry?” he asks in a mocking manner. He looks at the cat staring at him with his head slightly tilted, and to the bowl behind him. The bowl is full. 

Tobi frowns and looks at his cat again, questioning his own sanity. He tries to remember if he’s already got up this morning, but can’t. The cat is looking back at him seemingly understanding just as little as his human.

_ Ok, it’s probably fever. I just forgot _ . He puts the food back in the fridge.

The kettle finally clicks; Tobi pours the boiling water into a big mug drowning the teabag and its label as well, and goes back to the bedroom. He wants to grab his laptop and do some work because it’s a thing normal people do when they’re sick, but sudden dizziness makes him change his mind. 

Tobi lies down. The ceiling is spinning; weird lights and shadows appear on it moving and transforming into one another. Everything is too bright, too overwhelming. He covers his eyes with his hands, trying to make it stop. The air seems to be stuck in his throat, not reaching his lungs. He sits up putting into the motion all of his willpower and opens the window, filling the room with fresh, hot air, and immediately falls back down again. 

Something isn’t right. Tobi doesn’t know what exactly makes him think that way but he feels like something horrible is about to happen. He tries to convince himself that it’s just fever, but there’s always a little ball of anxiety in the corner of his mind bouncing in a steady pace just to make sure Tobi remembers that there’s always a possibility of the world ending at any given moment. Something isn’t right. He takes a deep breath, but it only makes this uneasy feeling more intense.

The sudden sound of a notification almost makes him jump. He reaches for the phone with shaky hands. 

Something isn’t right. His heart is racing as he presses the unlock button.

He opens the message. It’s from an unknown number.

“Hey, I’m sorry about yesterday, ok? Just let me explain everything. Meet me here at 8. I’ll be waiting.” After the text there’s a link with coordinates of a place nearby Tobi’s house. 

“Sorry, who is this?” Tobi types eventually, confused and even more anxious than before. He presses send before he allows himself to doubt his decision to respond at all.

One, two, five minutes passes. No response. Maybe they send it to the wrong number.

Tobi puts the phone away not seeing the point in waiting any longer. If anything, he feels relieved that he didn’t get a reply.

But then he hears another message. And he has the same wave of adrenaline taking over his body.

He grabs the phone and opens the message. There’re just the same coordinates and no text at all.

As he stares at the screen trying to comprehend the situation, he gets another message. And it has the exact same content. 

“Ok, now it’s just creepy!” Tobi says out loud.

Another message pops up.

And one more.

“Are you fucking serious?!” Tobi looks at his phone in complete distress.

He finds his finger hovering just above the call-button. He tries to psyche himself to press it. He should know what is going on, right?

Tobi presses the button, takes a deep breath, and immediately feels his guts get heavy and hot.

Dial tones seem much slower than usual. 

One. Two. Three. Four. Silence. “Leave a message after the signal.” Signal.

“Ok, you know what?” he glances at the screen and turns the phone off.

The phone is off, and now he can pretend nothing is going on. It’s as easy as that.

He throws the phone onto the pillow and sighs.

His heart is still pounding. Anxiety is like a child sometimes, and you need to distract it, so it stops bothering you. Work. You can say for sure your mental health isn’t great when you are working to distract yourself from panicking. 

Tobi reaches for his laptop and opens it. He’s been working on a website with a couple colleagues. They had to have finished with their parts by now. If so, they would have emailed him the new version to check. 

He clicks the mailbox with little “2” above the icon. It seems like his team did send him something.

The page loads and he sees a message from his colleague, as well as one more from someone without a name or picture. 

_ Great, spam _ , he thinks, clicking the link to make sure.

“Hey, I’m sorry about yesterday, ok?..” Tobi starts reading, when it hits him. That’s the same damn message. Even the coordinates are attached.

Tobi closes the tab and stares at his mailbox in disbelief for a few moments before forcing his mind to ignore all the questions and fears going through it and clicking on the second email. This is what he hoped to find – new version of their project. He feels unusually motivated and willing to do the work despite the fatigue and foggy mind as long as it gives him this much needed distraction.

Next half an hour goes by without any more creepy shit. There isn’t a lot of work for him to do. He ends up going through the code with some new additions a couple of times, writing a few notes and sending it back. The second he’s left to his own devices without anything to take up space in his mind, Tobi feels all the ignored feelings come back. He feels tired and anxious. He decides to have some rest and take a nap if possible. His cat appears in the room just in time for his favourite activity – snuggling in bed with his human being his own little space heater. 

Tobi hides under the blankets leaving only a little opening near his face so he can breathe properly. The cat gets comfortable somewhere in his legs. 

The anxiety gets smaller as Tobi’s body warms up. He feels peaceful, and dizzy, and sleepy. He doesn’t fight it. After all, a small nap is always a good idea.

After ten minutes of shifting in bed in attempt to get comfortable he finally dozes off. Or he only feels like it. His body is still, but the mind is racing with thoughts. He tries to open his eyes, to move his arms and legs, but suddenly he’s paralysed. He feels his body but can’t control it, as if it fell asleep on its own leaving him conscious.

When Tobi finally manages to open his eyes, the room is dark. It seems like only a few minutes passed and he doesn’t feel rested at all, but he clearly slept for at least a couple of hours. 

The cat is gone. 

His whole body hurts like he participated in a mass fight, and he has a sore throat. He reaches for the cup on the table, while holding back a cough.

The tea is finished. Tobi raises his eyebrows; he doesn’t remember finishing it, he actually completely forgot he even made it, neither does he remember waking up before this moment whatsoever. He touches his forehead with the back of his hand: he’s never learned how to measure the temperature like this, but he’s quite sure he has a fever.

Tobi grabs his phone, sits up, and leans against the wall. He shivers from cold. 

22:22. He slept even longer than he thought. 

He wraps himself in a blanket, opens the window, and looks out to breathe some fresh air and calm down.

The street is completely empty: no cars, no people; and it’s dark. Too dark. 

He notices that the street lights are all off. 

_ Is the electricity broken or something? _ he thinks to himself, trying to get his train of thought away from the irrational fear.

Hoping that he’s right, he reaches for the switch and turns on the light.

It’s working. And it’s weirder than if it wasn’t. 

_ Why the street is so dark then? _

Tobi rubs his eyes. Maybe he’s still not fully awake. 

The room is lightened, the street is dark. His eyes aren’t lying, which is, surprisingly, bad news for him.

He looks out again, staring into the blackness, trying to find at least one lightened window or sign, but there’s nothing. It’s like everything was painted black. 

Tobi lets out a long slow breath.

He flips the switch again – the room goes dark; and again – everything lights up; again, again, again.

He closes the window and sits clasping his knees to his chest. He keeps breathing deeply and slowly, only making himself even more and more lightheaded.

From the trainwreck of his conscious mind filled with panic one rational thought emerges. He can call someone. He can call Millie. She will listen, and she will calm him down, like she did hundreds of times before. 

His hands are shaking as he holds the phone, searching for her number. He finds it and presses call.

“C’mon, pick up,” Tobi whines impatiently.

“Hello?” a soft woman’s voice says after few more tones. “Tobi? Is everything alright?”

“Millie! Yes, hi, I’m…I’m fine. I think so. I don’t know,” Tobi’s voice trembles.

“You don’t sound so fine, Tobi.” Millie says.

Tobi sighs loudly, not knowing how to explain the situation without sounding like a complete paranoiac, and how and where to start.

“Millie, I think I’m going insane,” he finally says.

“You’re probably right,” she laughs. “Wasn’t it long time coming? I’ve always thought you were a psycho. And see? You finally realized it too.”

“Millie?” Tobi hesitates, “What are you saying?”

“You heard what I said,” she scoffs. Her voice sounds deeper. “Fucking psycho. Always calling when in trouble. ‘Millie, I feel weird!’ ‘Millie, something’s wrong, but I don’t know what!’ ‘Mille! Millie!’ ‘I need help!’ I’m so fucking sick of you and your bullshit.”

Tobi stutters something in response, but she doesn’t listen and just keeps on with her monologue. At this point her voice doesn’t even sounds like hers.

“Honestly, if you need a piece of advice, go and kill yourself. That would be the right thing to do. I know this. And you know this too.” 

And then there’s silence. Millie hangs up, leaving Tobi with his phone at his ear with his eyes open wide and with his body frozen in place.

There’s just white noise going through his mind for what feels like eternity, but then he gets bombarded with thoughts and questions. What made her say all of this? Did she feel like this the entire time? Did she get tired of him? She has never said anything like this before, even when he was completely unbearable.

Tobi manages to regain control over his body. He puts his hands on his lap and stares at the phone without blinking and hardly breathing for another minute.

_ What now? _

Everything is going off the rail. 

Tobi stands up and walks out of the bedroom. His eyes are adjusted to the darkness, but his vision is still blurry and fragmented. He goes to the kitchen and finds the cat sleeping peacefully on the chair. At least someone has his life in order. 

Tobi looks out the window into the darkness of the street.

It all must be just a stupid dream. And there’s only one way to know for sure.

He returns to his room and puts on a bomber jacket, grabs the phone and keys, and leaves the flat.

Once outside he doesn’t feel like this was a good idea anymore. The remnants of his bravery leave his body with every unsteady exhale. The street is completely dark and quiet. He can hear every step he makes. He looks down at his feet in the light of his phone’s flashlight. Everything around seems nonexistent, like the space has reduced to the little illuminated circle around him.

He shivers from cold, but again, he could still have fever. 

Tobi goes slowly, as if there’s something in the darkness around him that would attack him if he runs.

He looks at the screen. It’s almost midnight; he’s been outside for few minutes at max, but it certainly doesn’t feel like it.

“Where the fuck am I even going?” he whispers as quietly as he can.

For a moment he hopes someone will hear it and answer. No matter who. He just needs to know that he hasn’t disappeared, and reality around him still exists, but at the same time the mere thought about anything being here is terrifying.

Tobi stops, and after a few seconds of hesitation he raises his phone, illuminating the space around. He looks right in front of him, but the light disappears into what seems like a heavy fog only about a metre ahead.

Tobi feels like he’s trapped in a TV-static, and soon it will consume him.

He starts to move again, slowly at first, but with every step faster and faster to the point where he’s almost running. Nothing around him changes, still the same gray nothingness.

And then he sees a lit neon sign. It’s blue and green. After all the darkness it hurts to look at it. Tobi squints as he comes closer.

“Magic Pill. Come inside and rest your mind” it reads.

_ What? Where am I? It wasn’t here before, was it? _ Tobi stops and rereads the sign few times trying to figure out if he’s seen it before.

Next to the sign there’s a heavy black door and a couple of windows with grilles on them. Thick red curtains don’t let him look inside, but even this creepy aesthetic seems more inviting than the abyss of darkness outside.

Tobi stands on the doorstep with his back to the door, lighting up the darkness with his phone for the last time before going inside.

The room is packed with people, but no one notices him. Some 50-ish music plays loudly from the jukebox in the corner, the lights on the walls are deemed. The only bright spot here is the bar that seems almost like the light in the end of a tunnel, especially after everything Tobi has been through. 

All the people seem to be having fun, chatting and drinking, and playing billiards. Some are smoking, which is a weird thing to see in bars nowadays.

Tobi squeezes through the crowd to the bar, where there’s no as many people. Still, no one has reacted to him, despite him wearing pyjama pants, and his face looking like he just saw death and it winked at him.

The man working at the bar looks like a perfect cutout made out of every ever Hollywood stereotype: tall and muscular, with tanned skin and dark hair, with few bright tattoos on his right arm.

Tobi hesitates for a second, but gets over the awkwardness, and sits on a bar stool in the corner. The bartender doesn’t seem to have noticed him as well. He vacantly looks around the room while polishing a wineglass with a towel.

Tobi waves at him, but the bartender still doesn’t see him.

“Hi, em, hello!” he forces himself to open his mouth and say something.

“Oh, hi! Didn’t see you there,” the bartender finally pays attention to him. “You seem like you’ve had a rough day. Maybe a drink will fix you a bit.”

“I’ll have a beer, yes, thank you,” Tobi mumbles.

“Just a second,” the bartender turns around and grabs a bottle from the shelf. He opens it and puts in front of Tobi. 

Tobi grabs the bottle and takes a sip. 

“Thanks, ahm, this place is really nice, by the way,” he tries to come up with a simple topic to discuss.

“It really is. It’s my first day here, actually. I didn’t even know about this bar before I applied for a job,” the bartender laughs.

“I live nearby, and even I didn’t know this place existed until like 10 minutes ago,” Tobi laughs a bit nervously. This guy seems normal. Even though now anything that is not horrifyingly weird is normal for him.

“And now you just randomly walked in, looking like a complete wreck, even though you see this place for the first time,” the bartender teases, “you might have had a really weird day.”

“First of all, rude, but yeah, I certainly did.”

Tobi wants to tell him everything, about the dream, and the sudden cold, and Millie, and the darkness outside. But something in the back of his head doesn’t let him. And why would he? He doesn’t know this man. He’ll probably just think he’s crazy and tell him to get out. But Tobi knows he’s not crazy.

“I feel like I spent this day in another reality or something,” he starts anyway, “It still doesn’t feel like anything around is real.”

Tobi laughs nervously, looking around the room. 

“When I checked last time, I was real,” the bartender smiles.

“Good to know.”

They chat back and forth about some nonsense for some time; the bartender cracks silly jokes and tells him about fun things that happened on his first day of work. 

Gradually, Tobi feels more relaxed and less panicky. He drinks some more and completely forgets what he was so worried about.

“So, you said you live nearby,” the bartender, whose name turned out to be Aaron, says leaning closer to Tobi.

“Yeah, I mean, If you’re interested,” Tobi, already quite drunk, says with a dumb smile.

Aaron laughs in response.

“I mean, I’m joking. Sorry.” Tobi immediately shies away.

“I’m interested in your returning home safe and sound,” Aaron says, “you’re pretty drunk, and your day was a fucking roller-coaster. My shift is ending soon, and, you know, I could go with you. If you want to, of course.” He looks at Tobi with a smile, and then looks aside and runs his hand through his hair.

Tobi doesn’t answer right away. He stares at the bottle, while twiddling it in his hands. He glances at Aaron who looks like he is about to say something, and nods in agreement.

“Yes, I want to,” he says while still not looking at him. 

“Great, my shift-dude should be here in like 20 minutes,” Aaron says, looking at the clock on the opposite wall.

“Ok, I’m not in a hurry anyway,” Tobi says, yawning, “What time is it, by the way?”

“5:40.”

“What?! I’ve been here all night? I didn’t even notice!”

“You know, alcohol is the best thing when you need to remember time isn’t real,” Aaron jokes.

“Is it a requirement for a bartender to know some philosophical bullshit?” Tobi asks half-genuinely.

“No, but it gives you some bonus points on your job interview.”

Aaron stops the conversation when some new people come up to get drinks. Tobi looks at him, while he pours them whiskey and makes cocktails on the other side of the bar. He cracks jokes that he can’t hear, but he sees the people laugh. He looks so confident and cool, and way out of Tobi’s league. 

Tobi rubs his eyes and yawns again. How could he stay here for so long and not even notice that? But at the same time, with everything that have already happened today, this weird passage of time doesn’t seem so extraordinary.

He just needs to get home and sleep for real, and maybe get Aaron's number if he feels brave enough. And everything will be alright.

Suddenly he remembers about the abyss of fog and emptiness instead of the street outside. What if it’s still like that? He can’t tell for sure. All the windows are hidden behind curtains that completely isolate the room from the outside world.

_ Well, the only thing I can do is to wait and see,  _ Tobi thinks to himself. He glances at Aaron who is still in the spotlight.  _ At least I won’t be alone this time. _

He gets lost in his thoughts, without even registering any of them, and before he knows it, twenty minutes pass, and Aaron’s “shift-dude” is here, right on time. 

The “shift-dude” turns out to be a young girl with giant glasses and bright pink hair.

She and Aaron high-five like old friends, talk a bit; and then she takes his place at the bar, and Aaron comes up to Tobi. Now, when he is closer, he looks even more intimidating. This perfect face with this perfect smile on it; those bright tattoos on those tanned arms – Tobi is once again sure he’s dreaming. 

“Are you ready to go?” he says, putting on a gray denim jacket, covered in pins and patches.

“Yeah, and hopefully I won’t fall asleep on the road,” Tobi laughs, feeling his eyes burning.

“If you decide to fall, tell me first, so I’ll keep you from hitting the concrete with your head.”

“Deal.”

Tobi stands up and they go to the door. As it gets closer, it gets harder for Tobi to keep calm. 

As they approach the exit, Tobi closes his eyes. Aaron opens the door, and Tobi feels  _ warmth _ ? Is this sunshine? He feels his heart trying to beat its way out of his chest. He takes a deep breath opens his eyes.

Everything is  _ normal _ ? 

Blue sky, sun, already some people on the street. Just as it has always been.

Tobi shakes, feeling chills going down his spine.

“Are you alright there?” Aaron asks, tapping him on the shoulder.

“Yeah, I’m ok. Just, you know, didn’t expect everything to be normal after the weird things.” 

“Man, I think you’re  _ the weird thing _ ,” Aaron laughs. “All these things you’ve told me. Are you sure you weren’t on some funny drugs?”

Tobi just smiles awkwardly in return. He maybe would have got offended, if he hasn’t already developed a crush on him. They walk in silence for a while. It’s surprisingly comfortable. Tobi looks around, still in disbelief that  _ everything is normal _ . He sees his house in the distance. The bar turned out to be about five minutes away, even though yesterday the way seemed to have taken at least an hour.

As they approach Tobi’s house, they get off the path and stop. 

“Thanks for the walk and for talking to me all night long” Tobi says, smiling shortly.

“Don’t mention it,” Aaron returns the smile, “You’re great guy, I’m glad to have spent time with you.”

“Yeah, and now you have a story about an insane customer to tell. I’m sure your cool, and I’m sure they  _ are  _ cool, friends will like it.”

Aaron laughs and promises not to reveal his identity. Tobi is clearly playing for time, waiting for the moment he has enough courage to ask for his phone number.

“Actually, it would be cooler if you tell them yourself. But that would mean we’ll have to meet again. And to do that I need your phone number. If you want to, of course.”

“Sure,” Tobi says immediately. That has to be the smoothest way to ask for someone’s number since phones were invented. He even feels a little bit envious that it wasn’t him, who came up with it. He takes Aaron’s phone and quickly types in his number. 

“Cool,” Aaron says, putting the phone back in the pocket of his jacket, “so, see you soon?”

“Yes, hopefully.” Tobi says. Aaron pats him on the shoulder and goes further. 

Tobi runs upstairs and opens the front door of his flat. His cat sits on the welcome mat.

“Were you waiting for me?” he asks, squatting and stroking the cat’s head. The cat mews pressing his head closer to Tobi’s hand. “You know, I had such a weird night. You won’t believe me if I tell you.”

The cat tilts his head slightly, as if he is actually excited to hear Tobi’s story, and mews again.

“Okay, if you insist,” Tobi starts, while clumsily putting his shoes off. “I was in hell dimension for about an hour, and then stumbled across some cool bar, and then I chatted with a cute bartender until morning.”

The cat keeps staring at him, wagging his tail.

Tobi looks at himself in the mirror, estimating how much of a disaster he now has instead of a face. 

“Geez, and he wants to meet me again, having seen me like this,” he laughs, “Oh! I didn’t mention. He asked for my number! Can you believe that?”

The cat meows in response again. He jumps on the commode and pushes his paws on Tobi’s chest.

“Don’t you drag me like this, mister! You maybe know I’m a mess, but he doesn’t. Not to this extend, at least.”

A wave of dizziness and nausea hits his body, as it usually happens when he drinks. He already forgot he downed at least four pints of bear.

“I should probably drink some water and sleep a bit,” he rubs his eyes and goes to the kitchen. “It’s Friday, right? I don’t need to go to work today.” 

Tobi pours himself a glass of water, and drinks a half of it in one go. 

“Well, now bedtime.”

On the way to the bedroom he grabs his phone from the pocket of his jacket. Somehow it still has some battery left.

He has one message.

It’s from Millie.

Tobi frowns and unblocks the phone. What can she even say after last night?

“Tobi! I have like 5 missed calls from you! Are you alright? I’d call but my laryngitis is killing me. Answer me asap, or I’m literally sending a ninja-squad to check on you!”

_ What.  _

Missed calls? He only called her twice, and she told him to kill himself.

_ Didn’t weird shit stop happening? _

“I think I’m ok. Just some weird stuff happened. You’ve said I called 5 times. And I actually called you, but only twice, and you picked up and said some fucked up things and then hanged up. What’s going on?” Tobi presses send and checks his recent calls. Yesterday he only called some colleagues in the morning and then Millie twice. 

He gets another message from Millie. It’s a screenshot of her missed calls. There’s a (5) next to his name. 

_ So, weird stuff didn’t stop happening, clearly _ .

He replies with a screenshot of his outgoing calls. 

“Weird,” she replies. 

_ Fuck yes, it is weird _ .

“I think last night I was in a parallel universe or like, in hell,” he types.

“I am a bit scared,” he types in another message, but deletes it. After what  _ she(?) _ said last night, he can’t say that. 

Not yet anyway, while things are still weird.

“Can you call me anyway, just for a second?” he types instead. Even if she actually doesn’t have a voice, he still could recognize her. He just has to make sure it actually is her.

Just a moment later he feels his phone vibrating. Millie is actually calling him. He feels uneasy, but picks up.

“Millie, hi!”

“Hi,” her voice is actually almost completely gone. She sounds like an old man who’s been smoking a pack a day all his life.

“You sound terrible, but I’m glad to hear your voice anyway,” Tobi laughs, reassured.

“I do,” she laughs too. “Feel better now?”

“Yeah, thanks. Much better.”

“So, can I hang up then?”

“Yes, thanks again, Millie.”

They hang up. Tobi sighs deeply, relieved. Even when she sounds like a grumpy old man, her voice is still able to calm him down a bit.

Tobi looks out of the window; there’re more people now, nothing extraordinary, everyone is just going somewhere, doing their stuff. He frowns, wishing he was one of them and didn’t have to deal with all this bullshit. 

He is in a strange state of catharsis, being so stressed and freaked out, so in some way he feels completely fine. There’s nothing he can do about it, and if weird things are going to keep happening, so be it.

As he thinks that, his cat silently enters the room and jumps on the windowsill right next to him. Tobi pats his head, still looking out the window. The cat purrs and nudges his arm.

“Hello there,” he says and looks at him. His fat ginger cat is now snow-white and twice as fluffy. “You’re not my cat! Who on earth are you?”

The cat meows affirmatively, as if agreeing with Tobi’s freak out.

Tobi picks the cat up and stares at him for a solid minute. The cat doesn’t seem to mind at all, staring at Tobi back with a bored expression.

“Who the hell are you, cat?” Tobi asks again, actually awaiting a response at this point. A talking cat won’t even be that much of a surprise anymore.

The cat doesn’t say anything back, just keeps looking at him with the same expression. He has the same eyes as Tobi’s cat, but apart from that it’s clearly not him. This one looks straight from a cat-food commercial with white thick fur, all big and round, like a scoop of ice cream. Maybe something bleached his cat’s fur and made it fluffier, which happens all the time and makes perfect sense, right?

Suddenly a thought strikes him. A  _ rational  _ thought. What if this cat just somehow got into his flat and his actual cat is still here somewhere.

Tobi looks around the room and then goes to the hallway, the bathroom, and the kitchen. No sign of his cat anywhere. The white cat silently follows him from room to room.

All the windows are closed. He is pretty sure he closed the front door. There’s no way for a cat to get in. It must’ve just appeared from nothing in the middle of the room and now he just has to deal with it, without asking any questions. What the point of trying to be rational in a completely irrational situation anyway?

Tobi turns around in the middle of the hallway and gets down on his knees in front of the white cat. The cat sits down as well, quizzically staring at Tobi. Tobi sighs deeply giving up on trying to find any logic in this situation. He pats the cat’s head lightly and stands up. 

_ Whatever _ , he thinks. 

His muscles are tight and his heart is trying to escape from his chest for a hundredth time this day. And Tobi doesn’t have any better idea than to just let it happen. He goes to the kitchen and puts the kettle on. 

He sits on the chair closest to the window and looks outside. The cat follows him and jumps on his lap. Intuitively Tobi strokes it. 

His mind is blank, but not in a bad way. He finds it rather comforting, and at the first time since yesterday he feels at peace. He is the center of the storm of weirdness, so even if the whole world around him has gone mad, he’ll stay sane and calm.

Tobi hears the kettle clicks. He takes a deep breath, opens the window, and jumps out.

He feels the collision and crashing pain in his body, his vision gets blurry, and then everything goes black and quiet. He feels nothing, and then he feels everything once again. No pain, just feeling of his own body, his breathing, his heart beating as usual. He feels that he can open his eyes, and he does.

Tobi is in bed. He’s warm and cozy. And he is not alone. And it isn’t his room.

He looks at the man, whose head practically lies on his shoulder. Dark long curly hair almost completely hides his face.

The man’s arm is wrapped around Tobi’s waist. It’s covered with tattoos. Tobi recognises them. He knows who it is, but doesn’t remember his name.

The man shuffles, and Tobi gasps, accidentally waking him up.

“Good morning, Tobs,” the man says in deep voice, sleepily rubbing his eyes.

Tobi doesn’t say anything, and just looks at the man, waiting for his next action.

“Dude, are you ok? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Creepy dreams again?” The man cups his face, staring him right in the eyes. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Tobi gives him a smile, while going over every name he knows in his head in attempt to remember his.

“Ok, I see what is going on,” the man says, narrowing his eyes. 

“What?” Tobi asks anxiously, backing away.

“You forgot who I am, and what is going on in general, right?”

Tobi gasps, backing away even more. The man lets go of his face and grabs his shoulders instead.

“Hey, don’t be scared! It’s all fine!” the man smiles reassuringly, “It already happened many times before, everything’s fine!”

Tobi feels like he is about to cry. He opens his mouth, but doesn’t find any words to say.

“Ok, let’s start with easy stuff. My name is Aaron. You’ve known me for two years already. We met when I worked as a bartender at a bar near you, and soon after that we started dating.”

He then stops and looks at Tobi’s reaction. Tobi stares at him in disbelief, mouth agape.

“Are you serious?” he asks. Aaron only nods with a smile.

“You are so shocked every time.” He says it with so much fondness in his voice, that Tobi suddenly feels safe. 

“You are my boyfriend,” Tobi half-asks-half-affirms, staring at now giggling Aaron.

He is about to say something else, when a cat jumps on his lap, startling him. A gigantic white fluffy cat that seems oddly familiar, just like Aaron did just a minute ago. Tobi looks at it, and feels tense again.

“This whole situation feels too out of place. I’m having such a vivid déjà vu right now,” Tobi says, looking at Aaron, but avoiding meeting his eyes.

“You say something among these lines almost every time. And it’s kinda explainable, I guess. It always happens right after you wake up, I say the same things, and Motchi usually comes when she hears us waking up. So, it all makes sense.”

“I guess it kinda makes sense, yeah,” Tobi sighs. This guy is too nice to not to believe him. “Thanks for making me a bit less freaked out.”

“That’s fine, Tobs, don’t worry,” Aaron ruffles his hair, “let’s go eat something. What about pancakes? They can fix everything, right?”

“That’d be great,” he smiles. Pancakes have always been his comfort food, and the fact that Aaron knows that makes things much less terrifying.

They go to the kitchen that seems familiar too, unsurprisingly. Tobi can’t help but feeling like he is watching everything from the distance, and not actually living in his own body. In the back of his mind he remembers falling from somewhere high, and being in pain; and the memory is vivid, as if it happened yesterday. 

“Aaron, what we did yesterday?” Tobi asks, sitting on a kitchen counter, as Aaron makes pancake batter.

“It was a day-off, so you sat and worked from your laptop pretty much all day like a nerd. I went to the gym in the morning, and then tried to distract you from work the rest of the day,” Aaron laughed.

Tobi doesn’t remember it, but it sounds like something he would do, so there’s no reason to not believe him.

“How it usually happens?”

“How what happens?”

“Do I just suddenly get my memories back? Or I need to trigger this somehow?”

“Well, it depends. Usually, you just remember more and more, and by the end of the day, or next morning, it’s all fine.”

Tobi lets out a heavy sigh. 

“I know, this is really scary for you, but just try to go with the flow. And know that I’m here, and I’d do anything to make you feel better.”

It’s too much. Somehow Tobi has a life he dreamt about, a loving boyfriend by his side, and a cool cat, and he can’t remember anything about any of that. How did they get together? Where do they live? How this is all started? 

Tobi starts rocking back and forth chewing on his bottom lip.

“When it all started? Or have I always been like this?”

“When it first happened, we just started dating, maybe a year and a half ago or so. And it was unexpected to say the least. One day you just woke up in the middle of the night, went outside and almost got hit by a car.”

Tobi doesn’t say anything in response. He silently puts his head on Aaron’s shoulder and closes his eyes. Aaron hugs him with his free hand.

“It doesn’t feel like real life at all,” Tobi says finally.

“I know, man, it must be really tough.” Aaron kisses his forehead and lets him go. 

Tobi stares at the floor without blinking, with a taste of metal in his mouth. It all seems familiar: the house, the cat, Aaron. It just doesn’t feel  _ real. _

“Hey, lighten up. You’ll be fine. Now sit down and let’s eat.” Aaron nudges his shoulder making him aware of the situation again.

“Yeah, sure.” Tobi jumps off the counter and sits down at the table. 

Aaron puts down a plate of pancakes with maple syrup on them in front of him and sits down opposite him. He seems so calm, as if things like this happen on day to day basis.

Tobi eats, fighting nervous nausea. He feels like a schoolkid on a first date. It always was hard for him to eat around new people, especially ones he liked. And now with Aaron it’s even weirder. He isn’t new; they’ve been together for two years. But Tobi doesn’t remember, so in some way Aaron is new.

“It tastes so fucking good, but I’m so nauseous,” he says to break the silence.

“That’s ok, don’t worry too much,” Aaron smiles, “You can go lie down if you want.”

“I’d actually like that,” Tobi tries to smile back, but it’s a hard thing to do, when you’re all over the place both physically and mentally.

He stands up, and goes to the bedroom. Aaron tells him he’ll join him after he does the dishes.

Before lying down Tobi opens the window. It’s snowing like crazy; the whole street is white and clean, and there’s at least one foot of snow on every parked car. The cold is refreshing. Tobi makes few deep breaths, filling his lungs with freezing air.

He’s only wearing a t-shirt, so he soon starts to shake from cold. But he doesn’t close the window. He leans on a window sill and looks outside. There’s a family building a snowman across the street, and a man walking a giant fluffy dog. The street itself just like everything else seems familiar, but still a bit off.

Out of nowhere Motchi jumps on the windowsill next to Tobi, and snuggles up to his arm.

“Hi there.” Tobi pats her head, still looking at the snowy street.

“Hey,” Aaron says entering the room. He grabs a blanket from the bed, and covers Tobi’s shoulders with it hugging him from behind, “you’ll catch a cold standing like this. Let’s go to bed.”

“Sure,” Tobi says.

Tobi closes the window, and they lie down wrapped up in blankets.

It’s warm and safe. Tobi places his head on Aaron’s chest, while the latter strokes his hair. They are silent, not wanting to weight the situation with words. 

Tobi fights the sleepiness, afraid of forgetting everything again if he falls asleep. But the warm and fuzzy feeling inside his chest is stronger. And he loses the fight pretty soon.

His dreams are vivid, bright, and unnerving. When he opens his eyes, he feels even more tired than before. He is alone in bed; the cat is sitting on the bedside table, looking at him.

“Hi again,” he says, reaching to pat her head. He’s glad he remembers her this time, but only as much as the last time he woke up in this place. His memory is still pretty much gone.

Tobi stands up, a bit dizzy, and goes out of the room to find Aaron. He checks the kitchen, the living room, the bathroom. Aaron doesn’t seem to be home. He returns to the bedroom and sits on the bed. Motchi, who was still sitting on the bedside table, jumps onto his lap.

“Don’t worry, kitty, he’s coming back,” he says, stoking the cat. These words of reassurance are for him, obviously; for some reason, he feels like the world is ending any minute now, and there’s nothing he could do to stop it.

The cat purrs, making Tobi’s anxiety a bit less overwhelming. Suddenly Tobi hears the sound of the front door opening.

Immediately Tobi is on his feet, almost running down the hallway, to see Aaron.

“Hey, what is this about?” he laughs as Tobi tackle-hugs him.

“I just woke up, and you were gone, and I was scared,” Tobi rambles.

“Hey, that’s ok,” Aaron says, hugging him closer, “I should’ve left a note, I didn’t think you’ll be up so soon. I went out just for a minute, wanted to get some stuff.”

Only now Tobi notices grocery bags Aaron is holding. He lets Aaron go and takes a step back.

“For how long have you been up?” Aaron asks, while taking off his coat, which is still sprinkled with snow.

“Well, I managed to freak out, go to every room looking for you, then go back to the bedroom, and sit on a bed with Motchi for a while, contemplating life and stuff.”

“Seems like a productive afternoon to me,” Aaron laughs.

“It’s already afternoon? Geez, no wonder I feel like I was hit by a car,” Tobi yawns and stretches his arms.

“Maybe it happened in your dream, and you just forgot,” Aaron says, as he carries the grocery bags to the kitchen.

“Maybe,” Toby shrugs. He follows Aaron to the kitchen and helps sorting out the groceries.

“I think we should go outside and get some fresh air in your lungs later. The weather is pretty nice.”

“That would be great, yes.”

They finish with groceries, and then have some tea before going out.

It’s already getting dark – the days are always short here during winter. But other than that it’s actually pretty nice outside. The wind is cold, but not too cold. The snow crunches under every step. The whole atmosphere feels almost festive.

“I think I know where we should go,” Aaron says, grinning. He grabs Tobi’s hand, and they turn right onto a narrow dimly lit street.

“Where are you taking me?” Tobi asks, looking around without recognizing anything he sees.

“You’ll see,” Aaron says. He squeezes his hand harder, and they make another turn. Now they are practically jammed between walls of the buildings. In other circumstances he’d never go this way, as it looks like a place where you sell drugs or get stabbed, and nothing more than that.

“Almost there,” Aaron exhales. They are going so fast, he’s already run out of breath. 

Tobi’s heart is beating like a small bird caught in a cage. Aaron’s excitement sure is contagious.

“Just around the corner.” 

They walk out of the narrow alley, and Tobi sees a small park lit only by a couple of streetlamps and covered with fresh snow.

“Wow,” he gasps, “can’t say I remember this place, but I really want to remember it now. It looks so beautiful.”

“We come here when one of us is worried or upset. It’s like our secret safe place.”

“I love it.”

“I know you do.”

They go further and eventually sit down on a pair of swings hidden by the large snowy trees. It’s quiet and peaceful, and they both don’t say a word, enjoying the moment.

Tobi lightly swings back and forth, lost in his head. His nose and cheeks burn from cold, but he doesn’t want to get up and go. Not yet. When his attention gets back to reality, he feels his chest tightens, and his eyes fill with tears. But he isn’t sad, is he?

“Aaron, I don’t fucking understand,” he sobs, covering his face with his cold hands.

“What? Tobs, are you ok?” Aaron jumps off the swing and squats in front of Tobi, trying to see his face.

“I’m not.”

Aaron puts Tobi’s hands away from his face and sees that he is crying, and smiling?

“I’m so happy, and I don’t even know why,” Tobi shatters, “I don’t remember why.”

Aaron grins, cups Tobi’s head with his hands, and kisses him.

As they pull away, Tobi exhales sharply, trying to calm himself down. 

“You can just find a new reason until you remember the old one,” Aaron says, smiling widely.

“Yes, I guess so,” Tobi laughs, “thanks, Aaron.”

“I’m always here for you, don’t forget about it.” Aaron gives Tobi a hand and helps him to stand up.

“Oh, I’ll try my best,” Tobi says, a bit sarcastically, but meaning it in all seriousness.

“Oh, you better do,” Aaron teases.

Suddenly Tobi bends down, and the next thing Aaron sees is a snowball flying in his face.

“You bastard!” Aaron laughs, shaking snow off his face, “oh, you shouldn’t have done this.” He bends down and grabs some snow. Tobi tries to escape the inevitable hit, and slips on the icy ground. He almost falls; the snowball hits a pompon on his hat. Aaron practically jumps to save him from falling and almost loses the balance himself. They end up holding on to each other while standing in an awkward position, covered in snow, and laughing. Aaron apologises for being a source of stress and chaos in Tobi’s life. Tobi apologises for being the clumsiest person alive. And if he wasn’t sure before, now Tobi knows that he is in love with this guy, and that he doesn’t have to remember to know it has always been this way. 

They decide to end their adventure here and head home.

Tobi wakes up and sees the familiar ceiling, and feels comfortable in the familiar bed. He looks left and sees Motchi curled up against the pillow.  _ Still here _ , he thinks and sits up. He stretches and yawns, his neck cracks and his head feels like it weights at least a ton.

The cat, woken up by Tobi’s movements, jumps off the bed and goes out the room; Tobi goes after her. The flat is quiet and the air feels too warm and stuffy, especially considering that it’s winter. The kitchen is empty, so Tobi concludes that Aaron is out. He won’t check the rest of rooms like a weirdo he was yesterday.

He puts the kettle on, then fills Motchi’s bowl with food, and opens the fridge hoping to find something appropriate for breakfast to eat, so he doesn’t have to make anything. The shelves are practically empty. There’s some apples, half a loaf of bread and a carton of milk on a door.  _ Didn’t Aaron buy groceries yesterday _ ? Tobi thinks. He grabs an apple, and closes the fridge. 

Tobi sits down on the countertop, bites the apple, and looks at Motchi, eating her food.

As he makes the second bite, he hears the front door opening. He jumps off the countertop and rushes to the hallway to greet Aaron. He makes a turn and sees Millie?  _ What is she doing here? _

“Millie? I didn’t expect to see you here,” Tobi mutters.

“What do you mean? You asked me to come and help you with, you know, all that,” she says, raising one of her eyebrows.

“Did I? I don’t remember,” Tobi says and bites his bottom lip. It’s not like he remembers anything, so it’s not a big of a deal, right?

“Your  _ thing  _ is getting worse, isn’t it?” Millie asks, taking off her shoes. Only now Tobi notices that she is dressed way too lightly for the weather.

“Did you drive here?” he asks hesitantly, avoiding her question.

“No, why?” 

“Isn’t it cold outside?” Tobi’s voice progressively becomes more and more quiet. 

“Not really, it’s like fifteen degrees,” she brings her hand to her mouth and starts tapping on her chin with her thumb. Tobi knows this gesture. Millie is worried about something.

“But it was freezing cold yesterday! How is that possible?!” he goes from whispering to almost screaming. He already knows the answer, but he doesn’t want her to confirm it.

“Tobi, it’s May,” she says, looking somewhere behind Tobi.

“It’s not,” Tobi feels his heart pounding, and his eyes filling with tears, “it’s not May, Millie.”

Millie comes closer and hugs Tobi, what makes him cry harder. They stay like this for a little while, until Tobi feels comfortable enough to let go.

In silence they go to the kitchen. Millie asks Tobi to sit down and pours him a cup of tea. She seems to know this place, even better than Tobi does. She knows where the cups are, and tea is, and which one is sugar and which one is salt. 

“Here. Drink.” She places the cup in front of Tobi. Then she grabs a chair and moves it closer to him, and sits down. “I can’t even imagine what you are going through, but I’m here to make it easier for you, Tobi. Remember that, ok?”

Tobi nods hesitantly. 

“You know, I feel like a little kid because of all that,” he gestures at his head, “and Aaron and you have to take care of me. And it kinda sucks. Like yesterday, I woke up and didn’t remember anything! And Aaron had to tell me what is going on, and even who he is. It was really scary.”

“Tobi?” Millie leans back in her chair, with a concerned look on her face, even more intense than before.

“What?” Tobi smiles nervously.

“You couldn’t have seen Aaron yesterday. That’s just not possible,” she says, shrugging and looking down.

“But I did see him. What do you mean?” Tobi leans back and frowns. “Ugh, I don’t understand anything! Is this some kind of an elaborate prank or something?”

“It’s not a prank, Tobi. And you couldn’t see Aaron yesterday, because,” Millie’s voice cracks, “because he died three days ago.”

Tobi’s mouth forms a weird crooked smile, and he starts to laugh, silently at first, but then as loudly as he possibly can.

“Tobi?” Millie places her hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs it off. He stands up, still with this crazy expression on his face, and tries to leave the room. Millie grabs his arm and he stops. He tries to free himself, but his whole body feels too weak for that. “Tobi, I know it doesn’t make any sense, but you have to let me explain.”

“I think my head is going to explode,” he exhales.

Millie makes him sit down and drink some more tea. Tobi looks at her with a blank expression, but there’s fear in his eyes that cannot be hidden. Mille bites her lips and frowns; she doesn’t know where to start.

“Just say something already,” Tobi whispers.

“Aaron got hit by a car three days ago on his way home from work,” Millie says slowly, as if trying to convince herself that it really happened, “the driver was drunk, and was driving way too fast for Aaron to survive. Even if he did notice the car, he simply wouldn’t have time to react.”

Tobi stares at her silently, with his expression looking more and more plastic and empty. Millie stands up and opens her arms, offering Tobi a hug. He stands up and falls into her arms. He doesn’t hug her back; his body is too numb to raise his arms. 

Tobi is the first to let go, but even that he does without moving. He just shrugs and Mille puts her arms down.

“Today is the funeral,” Millie adds. “We have to go soon. That’s why I’m here.”

“Do I have to go?” Tobi says almost too quiet to hear. 

“Yes, Tobi, I guess you have to,” she says.

After that they don’t talk anymore. Tobi allows Millie to take him to the bedroom and choose the clothes for him. He sits on the bed, Motchi purrs on his knees. As he tries to button his shirt his hands shake, and it takes way too long. Millie offers to help, but he shakes his head and refuses. At least something he needs to do by himself.

The next few hours are completely blurred in his mind, as if his brain tries to protect him from reality.

Tobi remembers only few moments, and even them – in a form of static pictures: he and Millie leave the house; he and Millie are in a car; Millie, he, and some other people are in a house he’s never seen before; Millie, he, and the same people in a church and then at the cemetery. He and Millie are in a car again. He and Millie are in an unfamiliar house again. And he doesn’t feel like he was there for any of those moments. His body was moving on its own, his mouth was saying something he’s not aware of, his eyes looked at people’s faces, but his mind wasn’t there at all. He distanced himself from reality to the point where his whole being refused to accept that Aaron is dead. Tobi was more likely to believe in his own death, rather than his.

As they get home, Millie offers to make dinner for them. Tobi nods in agreement. He is not sure if he can eat, but Millie is right, he has to. She goes to the kitchen, and Tobi decides to get out of the black suit, that will only be associated with death from now on.

Tobi changes into a shirt, that is too big for him, and pyjama pants. He doesn’t bother hanging the suit on a hanger and putting it in the closet; he throws it on a chair and goes to the bathroom.

He splashes his face with ice cold water. It doesn’t seem to have any effect. Not only his emotions seem to have turned off on their own, but his physical sensations don’t work either. He raises his head and looks at his face in the mirror. He doesn’t look like himself. He is a mannequin with empty eyes and a blank expression. In the corner of his eye he sees a shelf and among other stuff he sees a razor.

He looks at his face once again. And he feels something. A sting of guilt. He can’t do it to Millie. He can’t do it while Millie is here.

The feeling of guilt starts a chain reaction of other emotions. He feels overwhelmed with sadness that transforms into fear within seconds. He freezes on a spot unsure of  _ what next _ . What would he do now? He is all alone. 

The knock on a door brings some part of him back to life.

“Tobi, is everything ok?” Millie asks.

“Yes,” he replies unsurely.

“Ok, take your time. I’m just checking,” she says. 

She always knows what’s going on, she’s like a psychic. Tobi sighs and looks at himself once more. He has to go through all this, he has to survive. Aaron would want it.

He opens the door slowly and silently, as if trying not to wake somebody up, and leaves the bathroom.

It’s dark and quiet. He was in the bathroom for about 10 minutes, but it already so dark? And isn’t Millie in the kitchen making dinner? Why it’s so quiet then? So quiet that it feels like he is alone in the flat.

“Millie?” he calls, “Millie, are you here?”

There’s no answer.

Tobi goes to the kitchen practically by touch. He opens the door and searches for the switch on the wall. The switch clicks and the room fills with light. For a moment Tobi can’t see anything, the light is too bright. And when the sight comes back to him he sees that this is not their kitchen. 

Tobi blinks few times feeling his eyes filling with tears. He tries to resist the urge to drop onto his knees and have a full-on mental breakdown. He feels his body getting weak and his hands starting shaking.

He gives up. And not moving from the spot he falls onto the floor.

Tobi covers his face with his hands and lays his head onto his knees. All of the numbness he felt before, all the feelings he was supposed to feel but didn’t, appear all at once. He feels like he’s drowning, like those emotions, fears, and thoughts fill his lungs, as if they are liquid. He squeezes his head with his shaking hands trying to make it stop, make this storm let him go.

“Tobi! Dear, are you hurt? What’s wrong?” a deep but soothing voice asks in an alarmed tone. He feels a gentle touch on his shoulder and raises his head.

The voice belongs to a short lady with grey wavy hair. It takes Tobi a second to recognize her. It’s his mum.

“Tobi?” she asks again.

“I’m ok, I think,” he hesitates.

“It’s getting bad again, isn’t it?” She helps Tobi get up and strokes his shoulder to comfort him, “I know you miss him, but you have to stay strong, he’ll want you to go through this.”

Tobi’s heart sinks. 

“Ma, how long ago he…died?” At this point it’s a perfectly normal question in Tobi’s mind.

“It’s been almost two months,” she says under the breath. 

She doesn’t ask why Tobi doesn’t remember. She never asks why he does or doesn’t do or say anything. And it has always been like this.

Tobi has chills. It’s hard to breathe; it’s hard to process reality. He doesn’t know what’s going on anymore, and he isn’t sure if he wants to know.

“C’mon, kiddo, let’s have some tea and then you should get some sleep,” she says.

“What time is it?” Tobi asks. He lets his mum walk him in the room and sit him down near the window.

“About 4am,” she says while pouring the water into the kettle.

Tobi turns around and looks out the window. The sun is already rising; the horizon is peach-coloured with only few white clouds in the sky.

Tobi’s mum sits opposite to him, and he turns his head back to finally properly look at her. He knows it’s her, but somehow she looks different to how he remembers her. He can’t say for sure what exactly is off, but something in her appearance seems wrong. She seems  _ younger _ ?

“Mum?” he says unsure of what exactly he’s going to ask. 

“Yes?” she smiles shortly.

“Never mind,” he sighs.

She nods and gets up to pour them tea. 

The tea seems strong but still doesn’t taste like anything. And even though Tobi sees steam coming from it, it doesn’t feel hot.

“Tobi, I know it’s hard for you, but you have to get through that. You have to overcome the grief and the fear of the future, because the life will go on, and it’s on you to let it go past you or make yourself a part of it,” she lets out a long sigh, “finish your tea and go back to bad, and then wake up and  _ live _ . For me, for your dad, and for Aaron. We’re all rooting for you to  _ have  _ this life and not just observe it.” She draws her hand out and puts it on her son’s. Her hand is cold, but still comforting. 

“I will be okay,” Tobi half-shrugs sipping his tea, “but I need time to get to this okay state, I need time to recover. Right now my life is a complete chaos, and I have no idea how to fix it.” He looks down and bites his bottom lip.

“Sure, I won’t tell you that time heals, because it is not true, but I’ll tell you that time lets you learn and grow. You’ll learn to live with those feelings inside of you, and you learn how to be happy again, despite them being there.”

Tobi doesn’t say anything. His vision gets blurry with tears. He looks at the unfinished tea in his cup with unblinking eyes. But it doesn’t stop tears from overflowing his eyes. A single tear breaks out and falls directly into Tobi’s cup. The second, the third, and more and more tears follow its lead. Tobi doesn’t even realize that he’s crying at first; he doesn’t feel the tears leaving wet cold traces on his cheeks. He notices it only after his eyes catch a glance of his mum’s worried expression.

“I’m okay, mum, don’t worry.” Tobi stands up and comes up to her opening his arms. She stands up as well and leans in for a hug. She squeezes him tightly, feeling his body trembling under her arms. 

“Go get some sleep, Tobi,” she says patting his back, “you’ll feel better in the morning, I’m sure of that.” 

“I will,” Tobi says hugging his mum closer one last time.

“Sleep well, son,” she smiles. 

“You too, mum,” he smiles back.

They come out the kitchen, leaving teacups on the table, and it takes Tobi a second to remember where his bedroom is. His mum turns right down the corridor and opens the door as quietly as possible. Tobi catches a glance of his dad soundly sleeping before entering his room on the left. 

The room is the first thing he recognizes at the first sight. It seems like he never moved out: gray walls with posters and pictures, plants, curtains with some fire damage, the messy bed that feels somewhat warm as if he was away for only few minutes. 

Tobi lies down and feels his body softens from the familiarity and warmth. He suddenly realizes how tired he is. His eyes close on their own, his mind finally gets quiet, and he falls asleep. After what seems like five seconds he wakes up from the feeling of a heavy hand gently stroking his hair. He opens his eyes not without some effort, and as his vision gets clearer, he sees his dad sitting on the edge of the bed. He’s wearing the fancy looking silk pyjamas Tobi got him for Christmas, the one he said was  _ a bit too much for an old man like him _ . It makes Tobi feel warm inside. He smiles and raises himself a little so they could be on one level.

“I’m sorry, kid. I didn’t want to wake you up. Grace told me you had a rough night again, so I wanted to check on you,” he says with his usual half-smile.

“Dad, don’t apologize,” Tobi frowns, “I’m glad you’re here. I had a mild breakdown, but I’m mostly okay now.”

“You’re a strong one, you’ll be fine,” he reaches for Tobi’s shoulder and squeezes it tightly.

“Maybe, I will,” Tobi shrugs.

“I’m sure, you will. Give it time, and don’t forget to take care of yourself.” He lightly hits Tobi’s shoulder and gets up. “Go back to sleep, kid. And sorry for waking you up again.”

“Dad!” Tobi frowns, “I’ve already said it’s fine. And actually thank you for doing that,” he gets up on his knees and opens his arms offering a hug, “I feel better now.” His dad gladly hugs him and kisses Tobi’s forehead before saying goodnight and leaving the room.

Tobi lies down and covers himself with a warm heavy blanket that itself feels like a hug. He is calm and sleepy, and those feelings combined seem almost sad to him. 

But before he lets this thought reach his consciousness, he falls back to sleep.

He doesn’t have dreams, falling beyond this layer of sleep right into sweet nothingness. There’s one dream though, but it’s not a typical dream – there’s no images, no sounds, no fucked up script, he just feels it. The dream is peaceful, and he knows that something has ended in it just for something new to start.

The dream seems endless, though. As if the time has stopped completely; as if the universe has given him a chance to solve all of his problems, to find answers to all of his questions and to make peace with ones that have no answers, to wait for his mind and his heart to grieve about everything that happened to them and then calm their pace, preparing themselves for everything that will happen; Tobi is finally at rest.

As his consciousness comes back to him, he feels the warmth and light on his face. It’s already late in the morning, and the sun is high up in the sky. But he doesn’t open his eyes just yet; he wants to prolong this moment of peace before the rollercoaster of the day ahead.

However, the day doesn’t want to wait any longer, and wakes Tobi up completely with a pair of fluffy paws hitting him in the chest.

“Get off me, you little beast,” he says in a deep, as it usually is in the morning, voice.

The cat does the opposite and jumps onto Tobi’s chest. He makes himself comfortable, and the weight that makes it hard to breathe forces Tobi into reality. 

“Okay-okay I’m awake,” he grunts. He opens his eyes and sees a blurry image of a fat fluffy cat looking at him with what seems to be disapproval. As his vision gets clearer, he sees its bright ginger fur that looks almost red in the sunlight.

“Dude, you’re too bright for my eyes right now, get off me,” Tobi frees one of his hands from under the blanket and gently pushes the cat from his chest.

He sits up and stretches yawning. It feels like he slept for months, but in a good way.

For a second he feels calm, only to immediately get jump-scared by the sound of the alarm on his phone. Tobi instinctively reaches for it and turns the alarm off before even looking at the time. He doesn’t even want to know the time actually. He puts the phone back and cracks his neck – a habit that always annoyed his boyfriend and that he never could unlearn. Even his cat meows at the noise as if saying “stop that”.

Tobi gets out of the bed and goes out of the room. 

He goes to the bathroom and looks in the mirror with his vision still in a dark blur. He rubs his eyes and blinks a few times until he can see clearly. Nothing weird, he looks just like a plain guy who had a rough night. The only unusual thing is not about him in the mirror, but about the mirror itself. In the top left corner there’s a sticker with a number and the name Dr. Burroughs, and below there’s “don’t forget to call in the morning” in his handwriting. Not only he doesn’t remember that he has to call somewhere, he doesn’t remember writing any of this and putting the sticker there.

Tobi reads the note one more time insisting that his brain processes it and remember what it is about, but it doesn’t work. 

He shrugs and turns on a faucet. The water is cold and it’s exactly what Tobi thinks he needs right now. He splashes his face getting some water on his neck and chest what makes him shiver. He looks in the mirror again and though he looks just as much a mess as before, he feels better. Now he has energy to conquer this day and fight all the shit it has to offer. 

Tobi glances at the note again, tears it off the mirror and goes back to the bedroom. He grabs his phone and decides to look at his journal for the number written on it. He scrolls down and sees two calls with what seems to be the right number: one incoming and one outgoing. Both from yesterday. 

He gives himself a few seconds to decide whether or not he should call. He comes up to the window. The street is drowning in sunlight and heat. Crowds of people hurry in all possible directions. He wants to know what is going on, who this doctor is, and why he doesn’t remember anything. He decides to call. 

Tobi opens the journal again and finds the number. Not giving himself even a chance to change his mind, he presses call.

“Hello,” Tobi hears a man’s voice after few seconds.

“Um, hi,” Tobi’s heart beats faster, “Dr. Burroughs, right?”

“Yes, and you are Tobias, you had an appointment yesterday,” he says half-questioning half-confirming.

“I’m not sure, actually,” Tobi exhales, “I just found a sticker with this number and your name on my bathroom mirror, and it also said I had to call, so I did.” At this point Tobi feels embarrassed hearing himself saying it out loud. He sounds like a crazy person, for sure.

“Right, I told you to do that,” Doctor says, “You did take a pill before going to bed, didn’t you?”

“The pill,” Tobi needs a second to understand what the doctor is talking about, “I did, yes! And I had the weirdest dreams!” His thoughts suddenly started to regain structure, “Now, that you mentioned, I think, I’m starting to remember something.”

Tobi is eager to continue talking, but the doctor cuts him short.

“Don’t overload your brain, Tobias,” he interrupts, “this temporary memory loss, confusion, and vivid dreams are common side-effects we’ve had in trial so far. You’ll feel fine by tomorrow. Now, you do recall your dreams, right? They’re quite useful in therapy.”

“Am I going to therapy?” Tobi asks. The question is addressed more to Tobi himself, and not the doctor. “I am, aren’t I?” He pauses for a moment, “It’s because of accident!” This word doesn’t mean anything in Tobi’s mind but for some reason he knows it is a  _ right  _ word.

“Yes, you had two sessions so far, and yes, you signed up because of the loss you’d experienced. But as I said, your brain is not in its best condition right now, so take it easy.” His voice is sharp and deep, yet calming in some way.

“Oh, yes, I’m sorry. You asked about the dreams I had. I do remember some of them, yes, but they were like completely batshit-crazy.”

“And that’s exactly what we needed them to be like,” the doctor laughs, “for our next session, which is tomorrow at 5pm, by the way, try to write down, or, even draw if you like, as much of them you manage to remember.”

“Sure! I’ll start right now,” Tobi says as he sits at the desk and finds a pen and a notebook in the drawer, holding the phone with his shoulder.

“And make sure to write down the time of the appointment,” the doctor reminds.

“I have an alarm two hours before it,” Tobi says without really thinking, while trying the pen on the paper.

“I see you already make good progress!”

“What? Oh, god, the alarm. I just kind of knew that,” Tobi frowns in confusion, “man, it feels so weird.”

As Tobi makes the pen finally leave some ink on the paper, his cat jumps up his lap and make him look down. “ _ Bowie” _ sounds in his head suddenly.  _ “Your name is Bowie” _ Tobi isn’t sure if he said it out loud or just in his head. For a second he keeps looking at his now not nameless cat.

“Tobi?” the voice in the phone pulls him out of the stupor back to the real world.

“Sorry, got carried away,” Tobi says.

“I just was asking; did your family or, perhaps, your boyfriend appear in your dreams?” the doctor repeats.

“Aaron,” Tobi exhales and the sound of this name hits him right in the chest, “he did, yes. The dreams were like memories but more hectic.” He doesn’t know why yet, but Tobi suddenly feels overwhelmed with sadness. “I went to you because of him, didn’t I? Something horrible happened.”

“I’m sorry that you have to hear this news again, but yes, you are in therapy because of the problems with sleep as well as with your cognitive abilities you’ve experienced after the accident that happened to him last year. Do you remember what happened exactly?” Dr. Burroughs hesitates to push Tobi to remember something further, but he hasn’t seen a patient recover their memory that fast before, so the curiosity take the place of the caution.

Tobi stops for a second and puts all his energy in the search of the answer in the chaos of his memory.

“A car crash,” he says. A wave of memories, sad and happy, pours down on him, leaving him suffocating. “I think, I remember now. I remember everything.”

There’s a pause during which Tobi pulls himself back to earth and catches his breath.

“I’m sorry that you had to relive it like this all at once,” the doctor breaks the silence, “please take things easy and give yourself time and space to recover.”

“I’m okay, or, at least, will be soon,” Tobi says, “now when I think about all I saw in my dreams last night, I don’t feel confused anymore; I feel relieved, actually.”

“And why do you think you feel this way?”

“I don’t know,” Tobi admits, “it’s just feels like I got a closure I wanted. I got to say goodbye.” He feels a tear running down his cheek. But there’s a smile on his face at the same time. Bowie, sensing something isn’t right, nudges Tobi’s arm; and Tobi reflectively puts his hand on the cat’s head.

“It’s good to hear,” Dr. Burroughs says, “but still, have some rest and don’t get lost in your head too much. Maybe invite a friend to take care of you for today. And tomorrow I’ll be waiting for you at 5pm. Alright?”

“Will do, doctor, see you tomorrow then.”

“Take care, Tobias.”

Tobi hangs up and leans back in the chair feeling his body buzzing with adrenalin. Bowie purrs as he pulls him closer. The room fills with warmth and sunshine. The pen lies on the opened notebook waiting to tell all the batshit-crazy dreams. Soon Tobi regains the control over his senses and calls Millie, his best friend that is always there for him when he needs her. She’ll come over and hear him out and allow him to cry his eyes out on her shoulder. And she’ll keep him safe until tomorrow. And tomorrow he’ll go to his appointment and hopefully Dr. Burroughs will let him cry his eyes out on a couch at his office. And maybe later, much later, he’ll truly be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> I've never posted anything anywhere before and I'm still figuring out how things work, so feel free to give me some general tips and suggestions
> 
> P.S. please check [odnakodaga](https://www.instagram.com/odnakodaga/) on Instagram for some great illustrations


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